Holiday Cheerlessness

I finally realized I'm one of those people who has a hard time with the holidays. It's not just the craziness of the season - though that doesn't help - it's all the sad reminders. My mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer just days after her 63rd birthday and a week before Halloween. We took pictures on Halloween night that show her looking fragile and scared. That Thanksgiving, she could barely eat. None of us were feeling particularly thankful, much less hungry, but we managed to pull together a feast anyway.

Christmas was another story. By then, my mom had lost her hair and was wearing a wig. She'd also lost quite a bit of weight. My brother surprised my mom by flying in from DC to spend the holidays with her. He hadn't seen her since her diagnosis, and you can tell by the look on his face in the photos that his worries had been wearing him down. The fear that it would be her last Christmas weighed on all of us. But with two little boys in the house, we were forced to be at least a little bit merry.

Besides the sad memories, I find myself grieving the loss of my mom all over again every time a holiday rolls around. At Thanksgiving I try in vain to remember what brand of bread crumbs she always said were best for stuffing. I pull out the Christmas music and find the Muppets Christmas album that we listened to year after year. My kids listen to it now and that damn John Denver never fails to bring me to tears. It's like the holidays make the loss fresh again. Raw.

So, how do I pull myself out of this holiday slump? So far, I've relied on the two D's that have gotten me through most of my hard times: Distraction and Denial. I pretend the holidays don't exist until the very last minute. I avert my eyes when I walk past all the red and green at the mall and I avoid the turkey section of the grocery store. I stay busy with whatever will keep my mind off the holidays past and present.

I'm not sure the D's are the healthiest route, however. It's occurred to me that maybe the best way to deal the sea of sadness that washes in at this time of year is just to hang on and let it in. Find ways to use my grief to honor my mom. Dig out her Thanksgiving recipes and sing along to the Muppet Christmas album. This year, I might even look at pictures of my mom's last Christmas, and think about all the things we really were thankful for.