Holiday Cheerlessness

I finally realized I'm one of those people who has a hard time with the holidays. It's not just the craziness of the season - though that doesn't help - it's all the sad reminders. My mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer just days after her 63rd birthday and a week before Halloween. We took pictures on Halloween night that show her looking fragile and scared. That Thanksgiving, she could barely eat. None of us were feeling particularly thankful, much less hungry, but we managed to pull together a feast anyway.

Christmas was another story. By then, my mom had lost her hair and was wearing a wig. She'd also lost quite a bit of weight. My brother surprised my mom by flying in from DC to spend the holidays with her. He hadn't seen her since her diagnosis, and you can tell by the look on his face in the photos that his worries had been wearing him down. The fear that it would be her last Christmas weighed on all of us. But with two little boys in the house, we were forced to be at least a little bit merry.

Besides the sad memories, I find myself grieving the loss of my mom all over again every time a holiday rolls around. At Thanksgiving I try in vain to remember what brand of bread crumbs she always said were best for stuffing. I pull out the Christmas music and find the Muppets Christmas album that we listened to year after year. My kids listen to it now and that damn John Denver never fails to bring me to tears. It's like the holidays make the loss fresh again. Raw.

So, how do I pull myself out of this holiday slump? So far, I've relied on the two D's that have gotten me through most of my hard times: Distraction and Denial. I pretend the holidays don't exist until the very last minute. I avert my eyes when I walk past all the red and green at the mall and I avoid the turkey section of the grocery store. I stay busy with whatever will keep my mind off the holidays past and present.

I'm not sure the D's are the healthiest route, however. It's occurred to me that maybe the best way to deal the sea of sadness that washes in at this time of year is just to hang on and let it in. Find ways to use my grief to honor my mom. Dig out her Thanksgiving recipes and sing along to the Muppet Christmas album. This year, I might even look at pictures of my mom's last Christmas, and think about all the things we really were thankful for.

Pinto pony

Here's a sure sign I'm getting old. I pulled onto the highway yesterday behind a Ford Pinto that was painted British racing green, with a black stripe running down the center. It also had "classic car" license plates. Classic?

According to Wikipedia, my go-to resource when my 8-year-old has questions, the Pinto was introduced in 1971. That's a year after I was born. So if that Pinto was a "classic" what does that make me? (And don't say vintage. I'm not ready for that.)

Cutest. Puppy. Ever.

You've got to admit it. She's just darn cute.

Too bad she's also a serious chewing machine! She's going through beef tendons (ICK)by the case.

Still, there's nothing like a sweet, soft puppy to make you forgive tooth marks on the cabinets.

Puppy Love, Redux

Well, it's happened. We finally got a puppy. Her name is Beckett and she's an 8-week-old Golden Retriever. She is so sweet, so cute, so...

I might as well be honest, she's hell on wheels. It's like having a toddler with sharp teeth running around the house. Luckily, like a toddler, she goes all out and then passes out for an hour so I have a chance to sweep up the wreckage.

Since I swore I would train this dog, that we would do everything "right" so that she'd be a well-mannered dog, I'm in a bit of a panic. I've read the books, spent hours online, and still this pup is a handful. The kids won't come down off the ceiling because she uses them as chew toys.

At least she's somewhat housetrained - I can count the number of potty accidents on one hand, with a few fingers left over. And she'll sleep in her crate at night. The rest of it, I suspect, is just normal puppy energy run amok. I'd forgotten how much attention a toddler needs - especially a toddler with razor-sharp incisors.

But she is awfully cute. I'll post the photos to prove it soon.

Vacation photos

Just a few photos from our trip to Wyoming.

Puppy (and Kitty) Love

Jeanne is blogging about animals this week:
http://www.assertivepatient.com/2007/08/cancer-dog.html

This is a subject close to my heart, for a few reasons. First, my mom. She loved animals, but was extremely allergic, so she could never have pets. When she got pancreatic cancer, she used to come over to my house to cuddle with my cat, TK. She said TK was a "healing cat" and that she always made her feel better. Maybe it was the warmth of the cat on her poor battered body, or maybe it was just the comfort that comes from something furry purring in your lap.

When my mom died, TK started following me around, meowing at me. She's never been one of those dog-like cats, the kind that wants to be with people all the time. TK has always been content to be on her own. Not anymore. These days, I can expect TK to climb into bed with me in the morning, determined to snuggle under the covers with me. Whenever I sit still for more than 5 minutes, TK is there, ready to jump up on my lap. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe TK really is a healing cat. I have to admit, whenever I'm feeling down she makes me feel better too.

Another reason I have been thinking about the power of animals is that we're considering getting a puppy. My youngest son will be off to Kindergarten in a month, and I have to admit I'm afraid the house will be too quiet. It's not like we're lacking in energy around here with two little boys, but I think the time is right to add a puppy to the mix.

Winners and Losers

My husband was reading the newspaper the other day when he suddenly threw down the sports section in disgust. "Every other article in this section is about cheating, or drugs, or fraud," he said. "What's the point?"

He's right. It seems like the 'win at any cost' attitude of professional sports is taking its toll. These days, it's hard to tell what is real and what is illusion in sports. When I go see the Mariners play, am I watching the results of natural ability and hard work, or am I seeing a bunch of guys hopped up on goofballs?

I wonder what all of this is teaching kids about sports. We've had some struggles at our house. We're trying to teach our kids to be "good sports," about the importance of being part of a team, and that everyone has a contribution to make, even if he or she is not the best athlete on the team.

My older son has spent the summer on swim team. It's his first year, and he's been swimming a little bit faster each week. I thought he was doing well, that he understood he was really only competing with himself, until last week's championship meet. He was seeded with other swimmers that had similar times, so each heat was really close. In race after race, my son touched the wall last. He was devastated.

I tried to explain that his times were better than they'd ever been, but he was still upset that he didn't win a ribbon. He's come to expect a red or a blue ribbon at each swim meet. I understand that disappointment, but I wonder how to help him use that feeling in a positive way - to work a little harder.

My son is only 8; I don't think I need to worry about steroid use just yet. But I hope that I can teach him that winning at any cost isn't really winning at all.